The last night of auditions… finally! Tonight we’ll be seeing contestants from both New York City and San Juan. Seacrest says they’ve saved the best for last. We shall see.
 
First up is Adeola Adegoke, who begins by comparing herself to Mariah Carey. Again? God help us. And, as expected, she can’t sing to save her life. She begs and pleads for another chance, and then starts singing again even when the judges say no. But on a positive note, Simon calls her boss and helps her get her job back because she made the stupid decision to quit her job before she even auditioned.
 
Jorge Nunez says he’s going to rock America with his voice. We’re not hopeful, but he’s actually quite good. His extremely thick accent could turn out to be a problem, but he’s promising. The judges compare him to Marc Anthony (a statement we vehemently disagree with) and send him to Hollywood.

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Here we are in Salt Lake City, the home of David Archuleta. Seems Randy doesn’t know where he is, or that Salt Lake City is located in Utah. Well then. Let’s get on with it, shall we?
 
The show tonight opens with David Osmond… and yes, he is one of THOSE Osmonds. He’s the son of Alan, and he and his father both suffer from multiple sclerosis. David has apparently been wheelchair-bound in the past, and could be again in the future. His performance isn’t bad. Too many runs and he tries too hard, but he’s got a lot of potential. He makes it to Hollywood, not surprisingly.
 
Now it’s time to meet Tara Mathews. Well, she’s got a ton of personality… or not. She also claims to have ESP. What a joke. She says she has a good feeling she’ll win. Somehow, we doubt it, considering she can’t sing a note on key. The judges say no, and she proceeds to storm out of the room, past Ryan without saying anything, flipping the camera off as she exits. Well, that was every bad audition we’ve ever seen.

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We’ve reached the Jacksonville stop, where 12,000 people await. Here’s hoping we find more than a handful who can actually carry a tune in a bucket.
 
Joshua Ulloa gets compared to Justin Guarini all the time, or so he says. He says he enjoys it… funny, then, how he can’t actually pronounce his name. He proceeds to ghetto-ify “Let’s Get It On,” and not very well. Apparently the judges are suffering from a lack of sleep, because they put him through to Hollywood.
 
Sharon Wilbur shows up with her dog. Because, ya know, nobody has ever done that before. Is it naptime yet? Anyway, she sings badly but for some reason, again, the judges send her to Hollywood. What’s going on? Are they getting desperate?

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Here we are in Louisville. Here’s hoping we find some talent here.
 
The first hopeful of the night is Tiffany Shedd, whose parents seem entirely too proud. This cannot be good. And… we’re right. Is that dogs howling? Wow. Just… wrong. We also like that “positive attitude” she said she’d keep. Ya know, the one where she walks out badmouthing the judges.
 
Joanna Pacitti has been trying to make it in the music industry for years, and even moved to LA on her own at the age of 16. She says she’s lost a lot of confidence, but she’s willing to give it another shot. Good thing, because the judges like her. We’re not sure she’ll be memorable. Sounds to us like every other female teeny pop singer we’ve ever heard.

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Welcome to San Francisco. In past seasons, this is where we found Katharine McPhee and, unfortunately, William Hung.
 
Up first is Tatiana Del Toro, who shows up looking like she staple-gunned some taffeta to the bottom of her shower curtain and called it a dress. We’re immediately annoyed by her huge ego and incredibly fake laugh. Our hopes are not high. They sink lower when she presents the judges with a “gift,” which turns out to be her press kit. Really? Wow. She sings slightly better than we thought she should, but her personality overshadows any talent she may have. Somehow, she makes it to Hollywood.
 
Next, Nick Reed beatboxes badly and Jiayi Yu does something that cannot quite be classified as singing. No, and no.

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Our next audition stop is in David Cook’s hometown of Kansas City. 11,000 people have turned up to audition. Among them is last year’s finalist Jason Castro, who’s here to support his younger brother as he tries out.
 
First of the night is Chelsea Marquadt. She’s never auditioned before because she didn’t think she was good enough, but her friends and family told her she was. Haven’t we heard this before? She tells us she sings with a lot of emotion and power, but we think she must have left it at home. Also, she sounds like a goat. It’s a no.
 
Ashley Anderson opts to sing a song cowritten by Simon Cowell. Too bad she has the wrong title and apparently can’t remember the words. She’s not a terrible singer, but she’s boring. She’s every other decent female singer we’ve ever seen. However, she makes it to Hollywood.

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Our pitchforks are freshly sharpened. Our torches await. Bring on season 8!
 
The first audition stop this year is in Phoenix. But first, let’s sit through a little montage of some good and… not so good moments from past seasons. Then, a recap of the end of last season and David Cook’s winning moment. Woohoo! That just never gets old. The standard “I am the next American Idol!” delusion montage, however, is nothing we haven’t seen before.
 
Okay, a little introduction to brand new judge Kara DioGuardi, and we’re ready to get down to business in Phoenix.

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