11,000 people have come to Dallas to give stardom a shot. Neil Patrick Harris is the guest judge for day one. Awkward, but okay.

After auditioning in season one, Julie Kevelighan has returned to try again. We’re not excited, since she was terrible then and we don’t expect anything to have changed. We’re right. And of course she starts singing again after the judges say no. And to top it all off, on the way out the door she says it would have gone better if she had taken a deep breath. Yeah, we’re sure that would have made all the difference.

Lloyd Thomas reminds us of some weird hybrid of Ruben Studdard and Rickey, the “Hercules! Hercules!” guy. We don’t expect much, but he’s actually pretty good. He needs a lot more personality and stage presence, but his voice is good. He makes it to Hollywood.

Next up is Kimberly Carver, and we’re rooting for her right from the start. She’s upbeat and has a lot of personality, and she’s got an awesome voice. Of course, since she doesn’t look like a model, Simon says no and makes a lame excuse about not being excited about her. We expected it. Thankfully the other three judges override him and she makes it to Hollywood, and rightfully so.

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Here we are in LA, where the lucky few who make it to Hollywood will end up anyway. 10,000 people await us in hopes of being one of those lucky few. The guest judge for day one is Avril Lavigne. In case the show wasn’t already turning into enough of a joke, she shows up wearing a hoodie with devil horns on it. Cringe.
 
First up tonight is Neil Goldstein, who shocks us with his announcement that he’s a big geek. Really? Wow, we never would have guessed. (Please note the sarcasm.) This is exactly what we’ve come to expect: Moron shows up to audition. Moron sings badly. Moron disagrees with judges. Moron refuses to leave, then rants when he finally does. They might as well just show the same audition in a loop for the first month of the show.
 
Jim Ranger is a worship pastor who has been married for 7 years and has 3 kids. We’ve heard this story before, but our hopes are high anyway. Turns out we’re not disappointed. He has a very honest, authentic voice and we like him. He reminds us a bit of Bo Bice, in fact. He makes it to Hollywood.

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Here in Orlando, we’re greeted by 10,000 people who all think they’re the next American Idol. We doubt it, but okay. Kristin Chenoweth is tonight’s guest judge. Yay! Someone good, for once!

Theo Glinton shows up with some pieces of mirror and feathers glued to his head, and a sparkly cape. Well, this ought to be good and stupid. Then he tells us he sees himself as a hairdresser in ten years. So why is he here? We don’t get it. He opts to scream instead of singing, then tries to compare himself to Jennifer Hudson. Then after the judges cut him, he proceeds to wander around the room like a moron, trying to find his way out. Really? We’re bored already, ten minutes into the show.

Yet ANOTHER montage of people acting like morons leads to a montage of Kara and Kristin acting like morons. Simon is annoyed, and so are we.

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Chicago is the largest stop on the audition tour so far- 12,000 people await their destiny. Or their 15 seconds of fame, which is much more likely for probably 11,990 of them. Shania Twain is the guest judge for this stop. Well, at least she’s marginally less annoying than the last two.

First up tonight is Katelyn Epperly, who says she’s auditioning because she’s having family problems. Her father recently left her mother, and it’s her mother’s favorite show. Well, it’s probably not the best reason to want a music career, but kudos to her for doing something nice for her mom. Turns out she IS a good singer, though. We like her calm demeanor and the confidence she exudes. She makes it to Hollywood.

A direct quote from Amy Lang: “All I have to do is wait in line for a couple days to get famous.” Boy, is she in for a surprise. First of all, in order to make it on this show, you need to actually be able to sing, which she cannot. Secondly, she’s incredibly, unbelievably annoying. Watching her is kind of like listening to “99 bottles of beer on the wall” while someone accompanies it with nails on a chalkboard. Oh, and let’s not forget she also randomly falls to the floor before “reviving” herself to sing… badly. Come on. Why do they keep letting these morons do this? Next.

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And so we have arrived in Atlanta, where 10,000 more hopefuls await us. Mary J. Blige is tonight’s guest judge. She’s one of our least favorite musicians of all time, so we’re not excited, but maybe we’ll be pleasantly surprised. Guess we’ll see.
 
First at bat is DeJuan Robinson, who says music is in his blood because his uncle discovered Gladys Knight And The Pips. Well, we’ll see. Before he starts singing we can’t decide if we think he’ll be good or bad… but it turns out he’s all kinds of bad. He sings in three or four different voices, and then has to be escorted out by security because he won’t leave. Moving right along.
 
After some nameless guy shrieks like a banshee, we meet Keia Johnson. If her “bright sunny smile” doesn’t light up the judges’ room, her pants sure will. Wow, those are bright. We cringe when she tells us she’ll be singing “My Heart Will Go On,” but she’s actually quite good. She screws up the lyrics once, and she might want to work on her volume and control a bit, but she definitely deserves another shot in Hollywood. The judges agree.

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Before we kick off season 9’s auditions in Boston, a few new things to talk about. Paula Abdul has left the show and will eventually be replaced by Ellen DeGeneres later in the season. For the auditions, we’ve got a series of guest judges. Tonight’s is Victoria Beckham. 9,000 people have auditioned here in Boston. Joy.
 
Janet McNamara starts the season by telling us she’s only been singing WELL for two years. So how did she sing before? It all becomes clear when she elaborates and tells us she’s auditioning because the American Idol video game tells her she’s amazing. Oh boy. Well, at least it’s a new approach. Turns out she’s actually terrible, so she must have found a cheat code for the game. Points for confusing Kara for Paula, too. It’s a no for Janet.
 
Maddie Curtis has been watching since she was 8, which makes us feel really old. She has several siblings with Down’s syndrome, which is a nice story but really has nothing to do with singing. But it turns out she’s really pretty good. She needs a bit more performance and stage presence, but with a little work on those things she’d have a lot of potential. We’ll be seeing her in Hollywood.

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