So it’s come down to this- tonight we crown our newest American Idol, and it’ll be either Adam Lambert or Kris Allen. 100 million votes came in last night, making the season’s total 624 million.
 
We start the show with some stupid montages. First there’s a stupid montage of Randy saying “for me for you.” Then there’s a stupid montage of Kara calling everyone “sweetie” and “honey.” Follow that up with a stupid montage of Paula using big words she doesn’t understand and can’t pronounce. And finally, a stupid montage of Simon having no idea what’s going on around him.
 
Once again this year, we have some former Idols in the contestants’ hometowns. Mikalah Gordon is in Conway, Arkansas with Kris’s crowd, and Carly Smithson is representing Adam Lambert in San Diego, California.
 
The first performance of the night is from the top 13 singing “So What.” Why do so many of these types of shows insist upon butchering Pink songs lately? This is slightly less cheesy than we expected, but not by much.
 
Next is David Cook’s performance of “Permanent,” a beautiful song he wrote for his brother before he passed away. This song will be available for download on iTunes after tonight’s show and all proceeds go to charity.
 
The first Golden Idol Award of the night is for Outstanding Male. Not surprisingly, it goes to Nick Mitchell and we have to see “Norman” one more time.
 
Lil Rounds performs a duet with Queen Latifah and we fall asleep. Next.
 
The top 13 sings “I’m Yours,” and as an added bonus, Jason Mraz joins them. Hooray! We love him! Unfortunately he turns out to be about the only interesting thing about the performance.
 
After a video montage of Kris Allen’s Idol journey, he performs a duet with Keith Urban. And it’s freakin’ amazing! This is far and away the best we’ve seen him perform all year. Are we setting Kris up for a country album, Idol gods? If so, we’re excited. He’s very well suited to this style of music.
 
The girls from the top 13 sing a bit of “Glamorous” and we’re annoyed. We hate that song. Then Fergie joins them for “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and after that, the Black Eyed Peas emerge to irritate us with their new single “Boom Boom Pow.” Thank God that’s over. Well, it’s over after a shameless plug for their new album, anyway. Yawn.
 
The next Golden Idol Award for “Best Attitude” goes to Bikini Girl, who appears to have bought herself some new boobies since her last appearance on the show. We’re annoyed until Kara DioGuardi emerges to sing with her, and strips down to a bikini of her own at the end of the song. Hilarious!
 
Next, Allison Iraheta performs a duet of “Time After Time” with Cyndi Lauper. What a great song for Allison! We really wish she had done this song during the competition, because it’s pretty much perfect for her.
 
After Seacrest talks to the families of both finalists, Danny Gokey performs with Lionel Richie and we fall asleep again. Holy crap, what a snoozefest!
 
A video montage of Adam Lambert’s Idol journey, and we get to find out who he’s performing with tonight. And… holy crap! It’s KISS! Not to mention Adam is all glammed out, platform boots and all. This is what we’ve been dying to see Adam do all season long and we are beside ourselves with happiness. Shining moment of the night!
 
Carlos Santana performs and we’re bored. Matt Giraud joins him and we’re slightly less bored. Then the entire top 13 emerges for a rendition of “Smooth” that is basically freakin’ amazing. It was worth being bored for the first minute or so.
 
The last Ford video of the season is one of the best we’ve seen. It’s very low-key, but it’s nice. Also, Adam and Kris sound amazing together. Who would have guessed? And after that, we’re treated to a video of David Cook “surprising” the two finalists with their very own, brand new Ford Fusions. We’ve gone from Mustangs to Fusions? Ahh well, a new car is always nice.
 
And now for the most awkward moment ever on live television: Megan Joy, Michael Sarver and… Steve Martin? Really? Wow. This is bad. And Megan Joy cannot carry a tune in a bucket. She’s gotten even worse, if that’s possible.
 
The guys from the top 13 are joined onstage by Rod Stewart. That’s about all we remember. We were bored through this entire performance.
 
The last Golden Idol Award of the evening is for “Outstanding Female.” Not surprisingly, it goes to Tatiana Del Toro. She comes onstage and there’s a big, obviously staged fiasco where she refuses to stop singing even though Seacrest tells her it’s time for a break. We fall asleep once more. This was the least amusing thing we’ve seen all night.
 
Finally, Kris and Adam sing “We Are The Champions”… and are joined onstage by Queen! This is freakin’ amazing. And, once again, we’re surprised at how great these two sound together. We’re hoping for a duet on the tour this summer.
 
The moment of truth has arrived. The winner is… is…
 
Kris Allen.
 
Kris Allen? Really? Well, we’d be liars if we said we weren’t a little surprised. Or a lot surprised. But good for him. And kudos to Adam for a game well played. Both of these boys are looking at big careers and we’re proud of both of them.
 
Tune in next season!