Before we kick off season 9’s auditions in Boston, a few new things to talk about. Paula Abdul has left the show and will eventually be replaced by Ellen DeGeneres later in the season. For the auditions, we’ve got a series of guest judges. Tonight’s is Victoria Beckham. 9,000 people have auditioned here in Boston. Joy.
 
Janet McNamara starts the season by telling us she’s only been singing WELL for two years. So how did she sing before? It all becomes clear when she elaborates and tells us she’s auditioning because the American Idol video game tells her she’s amazing. Oh boy. Well, at least it’s a new approach. Turns out she’s actually terrible, so she must have found a cheat code for the game. Points for confusing Kara for Paula, too. It’s a no for Janet.
 
Maddie Curtis has been watching since she was 8, which makes us feel really old. She has several siblings with Down’s syndrome, which is a nice story but really has nothing to do with singing. But it turns out she’s really pretty good. She needs a bit more performance and stage presence, but with a little work on those things she’d have a lot of potential. We’ll be seeing her in Hollywood.
 
Pat Ford is exactly what we expected- just another moron looking for his 15 seconds of fame. And in case that wasn’t clear already, he sings “Womanizer” by Britney Spears. Really? REALLY? Epic fail. This isn’t even funny any more, we’ve seen it so many times. It’s a no for Pat.
 
Jennifer Hirsh, Claire Fuller and Jess Wolfe all manage passable auditions and we’ll be seeing them in Hollywood. Way to skip over the ones with actual talent, Idol gods! Well, hopefully we’ll see more later.
 
By noon on day one, only girls have gotten tickets to Hollywood. Amadeo DiRocco hopes to change all that. And we hope he does too, because he’s very likeable. He does have a good voice, but it’s really powerful and he’s trying too hard. He needs to tone it down a bit, but we look forward to seeing more from him in Hollywood.
 
Next up is the “very spiritual” Derek Hilton. He says he wants to touch “numerous amounts of people” with his “Chris Brown/Eagles” style voice. Turns out he can’t even impress the judges with his nasal caterwauling and complete lack of passion. It’s a no.
 
After a montage of more people getting turned down, we meet Mere Doyle. She’s obsessed with anime and designs kimonos. She also wants to be a big star in Japan, which we suppose fully explains why she’s auditioning for AMERICAN Idol. Oh well, technicalities. It doesn’t matter anyway, since she can’t sing to save her life. The judges tell her as much, she argues that her vocal coaches (TWO OF THEM!!!) have told her she’s fantastic, and then she’s on her way without a golden ticket.
 
Finally, some people with talent! Luke Shaffer and Benjamin Bright both make it to Hollywood, but once again we only see teeny, tiny clips of their auditions. Why, Idol? Why?
 
Meanwhile, Andrew Fenton talks to Seacrest but doesn’t seem to realize it’s his turn to audition. He’s got a terrible attitude from the start and walks in complaining because he’s waited “all day” to audition. “All day” turns out to be three hours. He then refuses to answer Simon’s questions because he doesn’t think they’re interesting, and in case he hadn’t already ruined whatever small chance he may have had, he can’t sing to save his life either. He complains some more and Kara calls him on it. He exits, leaving a wake of misery behind him.
 
Bill Bloom and Michael Ryan both seem to think screaming equals singing, and once again they’re both wrong. Next.
 
Our favorite auditioner of the night is Ashley Rodriguez. Besides the fact that she chooses a terribly overdone song, she does everything else right. She’s fully clothed and therefore does not come across as desperate… she doesn’t use any tacky gimmicks… and she seems very comfortable. She’s also got an incredible voice and we wouldn’t be at all surprised to see her in the top 12.
 
Tyler Grady shows up with two shattered wrists, which he acquired falling out of a tree. Again this has nothing to do with singing, but we like his personality. He reminds us a bit of Justin Guarini, in a good way. He’s got a good voice and shows a lot of promise, we just wish he’d picked a less crappy song. He makes it to Hollywood.
 
Day two of auditions in Boston begins, but not before a history lesson. Really? You could be using this time to show some decent singers, Idol gods.
 
Lisa Olivero tells us she taught herself to sing by listening to Christina andd Mariah. Oh noooooo! That never means good things. She’s no exception. She screams and brutalizes her way through a Mariah Carey song, even though she tried to tell us she’s better than most people who’ve been on the show. No golden ticket for Lisa, thank God.
 
After Ryan Keane’s audition (which sounds like someone loosed an ailing cow in the room), we’re “treated” to another montage, this one of people who can’t even communicate, much less sing.
 
We hope Mike Davis is good, because he’s quite likeable. Turns out he’s not quite as good as we would have hoped, but he’s got potential and we’d like to see him get another chance. For some stupid reason, Randy and Simon both leave the room, but he makes it to Hollywood nonetheless.
 
We’re a bit turned off by Katie Stevens’ sob story because we’ve seen so many on this show throughout the years, but she’s got an incredible voice. Especially considering she’s 16. Also, the song she chooses is not an easy one to sing, so we’re doubly impressed. We’ll be seeing her in Hollywood.
 
Joshua Blaylock seems incredibly nervous… comes across as immature and not ready for the competition… but apparently since he’s 28 and this is the last year he can audition, the judges take pity on him. He’s going to Hollywood.
 
After another montage of crap, we meet Justin Williams. He had cancer at the age of 20, but beat it, and we’re glad. He’s got a great voice, a lot of personality, and comes across as very sincere and soulful. We look forward to seeing him again in Hollywood.
 
Norberto Guererro is all kinds of fail. Not only does he not know the words to the song he sings badly, but he also looks like a reject from Twisted Sister. NEXT!
 
Bosa Mora says he wants the judges to see his “shining light.” This worries us. But it turns out we needn’t be worried- he’s got quite a nice voice. Maybe not quite enough for this, but the judges give him some good advice and he strikes us as the type to take it. He makes it to Hollywood, so we’ll see.
 
Leah Laurenti rounds out the first night of auditions. She grew up in a strictly religious household and wants to prove to both herself and her parents that she can make it as a singer. She’s another one that needs a bit more stage presence, but her voice is quite good. She could stand to lay off the vocal runs, though- she’s good enough without them. The judges agree and send her to Hollywood.
 
All told, 31 people from Boston make it to the Hollywood round. Tomorrow, they’ll be joined by more auditioners from Atlanta.