And so we have arrived in Atlanta, where 10,000 more hopefuls await us. Mary J. Blige is tonight’s guest judge. She’s one of our least favorite musicians of all time, so we’re not excited, but maybe we’ll be pleasantly surprised. Guess we’ll see.
 
First at bat is DeJuan Robinson, who says music is in his blood because his uncle discovered Gladys Knight And The Pips. Well, we’ll see. Before he starts singing we can’t decide if we think he’ll be good or bad… but it turns out he’s all kinds of bad. He sings in three or four different voices, and then has to be escorted out by security because he won’t leave. Moving right along.
 
After some nameless guy shrieks like a banshee, we meet Keia Johnson. If her “bright sunny smile” doesn’t light up the judges’ room, her pants sure will. Wow, those are bright. We cringe when she tells us she’ll be singing “My Heart Will Go On,” but she’s actually quite good. She screws up the lyrics once, and she might want to work on her volume and control a bit, but she definitely deserves another shot in Hollywood. The judges agree.
 
It’s good news for Miriam Lemnouni, Noel Reese and Tisha Holland, but in keeping with tradition, we see about 4 seconds of each audition. Maybe there’ll be more of them in Hollywood.
 
Jermaine Sellers makes a weird song choice, but we’re rooting for him. He’s likeable. Unfortunately he’s not quite as good as we’d like him to be- a bit too breathy for our taste, and he doesn’t need all those runs at the end of the song. But he’s good, despite that. He goes on to Hollywood.
 
Christy Marie Agrenew has personality, which is always a start. Unfortunately that’s all she has. She’s not the worst singer we’ve ever heard, but she’s definitely not good enough for Idol. And her attitude completely changes when the judges inform her of that. Funny how that happens so often.
 
After another montage of people getting cut, we meet Vanessa Wolfe. She definitely doesn’t sound like she talks, that’s for sure. We can’t decide if we like her or not, but she shows some promise. We look forward to seeing more from her in Hollywood, but we’re definitely not sold yet.
 
Jesse Hamilton can just barely talk, so we’re not surprised that he can’t sing. Actually, we don’t really know if he can sing, because he spends about ten minutes staring at the floor and saying he can’t remember the words. Then he sings the wrong words. Then he sings another song… badly. Why did he even bother? Next.
 
Yet ANOTHER montage of bad auditions, and in walks Holly Harden, dressed as a guitar. Really? The gimmicks are annoying. We’re turned off before she ever sings. Turns out she’s got a decent voice, but we still wouldn’t vote for her if we were paid to. She’s just annoying. But, she makes it to Hollywood anyway.
 
Lathan Davenport, Hansel Enriquez and Blake Smith (whose life was apparently changed by Britney Spears, somehow) are all dismissed unceremoniously. We don’t care.
 
Mallorie Haley is everything we like to see in an audition. She doesn’t use gimmicks, she appears confident and collected… and, wonder and amazement, she can sing! Hooray! She shows a lot of promise and we’ll be rooting for her during Hollywood week.
 
Skii Bo Ski. Really? Well, it’s a unique name, we suppose. Everything about him is unique, actually, and not in a good way. His ego and his gimmick immediately make us want to change the channel. We don’t even care that he’s a half decent singer, because we’re too busy trying not to lose our lunch. He makes it to Hollywood anyway. Joy.
 
Next up, meet the airheads! Lauren Sandres and Carmen Turner are best friends and are absolutely convinced that they’re both going to Hollywood. Turns out Lauren sings like a four-year-old, but Carmen is relatively decent. The judges split them up, cutting Lauren and sending Carmen to Hollywood. We’ll be amazed if she makes it past Hollywood week, though.
 
Some more bad auditions from people whose names we apparently don’t need to know, but here’s a brief summary: someone loosed a goat. Then someone dragged their nails across a chalkboard. And finally, someone just sang badly. Yawn.
 
Police officer Bryan Walker pulls us out of our coma. Something about him says “I could actually be a good singer,” and since that happens so rarely during audition shows, we’re intrigued. We’re not disappointed. He has a beautiful R&B voice that we never would have expected. The judges give him rave reviews and send him to Hollywood.
 
Lamar Royal is more excited about meeting Mary J. Blige than he is about auditioning. When he starts to sing, we completely understand why. Screaming is not singing, Lamar. Why has no one learned this yet? He then proceeds to yell at Kara for calling him a terrible singer when she actually said he WASN’T a terrible singer, and then sings continuously until the judges have him thrown out. Nothing we haven’t seen before. What a waste of time.
 
And finally, the one thing we hate the most about American Idol: the stupid joke. Some 62-year-old apparently homeless man comes in and raps about his pants and makes a feeble attempt at breakdancing, and of course it goes viral across the country within seconds. We don’t get it. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It’s not even mildly interesting. Blah.
More auditions next week!