Chicago is the largest stop on the audition tour so far- 12,000 people await their destiny. Or their 15 seconds of fame, which is much more likely for probably 11,990 of them. Shania Twain is the guest judge for this stop. Well, at least she’s marginally less annoying than the last two.

First up tonight is Katelyn Epperly, who says she’s auditioning because she’s having family problems. Her father recently left her mother, and it’s her mother’s favorite show. Well, it’s probably not the best reason to want a music career, but kudos to her for doing something nice for her mom. Turns out she IS a good singer, though. We like her calm demeanor and the confidence she exudes. She makes it to Hollywood.

A direct quote from Amy Lang: “All I have to do is wait in line for a couple days to get famous.” Boy, is she in for a surprise. First of all, in order to make it on this show, you need to actually be able to sing, which she cannot. Secondly, she’s incredibly, unbelievably annoying. Watching her is kind of like listening to “99 bottles of beer on the wall” while someone accompanies it with nails on a chalkboard. Oh, and let’s not forget she also randomly falls to the floor before “reviving” herself to sing… badly. Come on. Why do they keep letting these morons do this? Next.

Charity Vance souns nasal and affected, and her voice is so tiny as to be almost indistinguishable. But she’s blond and cute, so of course the judges praise her to no end. And she’s 16! SIXTEEN! Can you believe she’s only SIXTEEN YEARS OLD? God, it starts already. She makes it to Hollywood, undeservedly.

After yet another useless montage of people acting stupid, we’re reunited with past auditioner Angela Martin. Is there anything that HASN’T gone wrong in her life? Sick kid, murdered father, warrant for her arrest. We’re bored. And she still isn’t a very good singer. She’s interchangeable with every other female R&B singer we’ve ever heard. And she makes it to Hollywood again despite that. Pickings must be slim in Chicago this year.

Is someone torturing a small dog? Oh. Our bad. It’s actually Curley Newbern’s audition. Does this actually have lyrics, or is he just squealing? Either way, it’s heinous and should be illegal. It’s a no.

Okay, sarcasm and bitterness aside, we can understand why the Idol gods air some of these bad auditions. At least sometimes they’re funny. But Alannah Halbert is not only a bad singer, she also has zero intelligence, zero sense of humor, and zero personality. So why did we bother, exactly? We’re nearly as confuse as she is.

After another montage of people getting cut, we meet some creepy guy named Brian who thinks it’s a good idea to channel Tiny Tim during an audition for a TV show about singing. The scary thing is, we’re pretty sure he’s serious and really thinks he’s good. And the REALLY scary part is he’s a teacher. If our kids were in his class, we’d move. Backing away slowly, moving right along.

Harold Davis says he has everything he needs. Except enthusiam or anything resembling a personality, apparently. He says he’s auditioning because he’s tired of eating microwave dinners and wants to eat steak. Uh… well then. Points for originality. Lucky for us, we can take those points right back for complete lack of talent. His “cover” of an Usher song sounds absolutely nothing like the original, and he can’t sing to save his life. So of course he bursts into tears, complete with whimpering. Nice touch, Harold, but it’s still a no.

It never fails- when there’s a guest judge, about four million people always think it’s a good idea to cover that guest judge’s songs. Never mind that they can’t sing and do the original artist (WHO IS SITTING IN THE ROOM) a complete injustice. Could we skip the bad montages from now on, Idol gods? They’re boring.

John Park is decent, but not great. But after the atrocities we’ve seen tonight, we’ll take decent and be ecstatic about it. Then Shania digs herself a hole of double entendre and ruins whatever happiness we may have mustered from the beginning of John’s audition. He makes it to Hollywood.

Paige Duchasse arrives with her, “I have asthma, I almost died, vote for me” sob story. We’re bored already, and we’re even more bored when she sings. Sure, her voice is mostly decent- but this is every version of this song we’ve ever heard. Simon says no and we applaud, but the other three judges outvote him and send her to Hollywood. Joy, another clone!

Oh, and by the way, Justin Ray, Keith Semple and Marcus Jones all make it to Hollywood. But since they actually have talent and deserve to be seen, we’ll just save them for a 12-second blip at the very end of the show. YES!

Tomorrow night, the nightmare continues in Orlando.