Only two more hours left, finally! And really, the only thing that interests us about tonight is that it’s Simon’s last episode of Idol ever. Wish we could say the same for ourselves.Things get underway with a cheesetastic performance of “School’s Out” by the top 12, complete with a guest appearance by horribly aged Alice Cooper. Not much to say, the whole thing is lame.Last year’s winner Kris Allen performs his new single “The Truth.” It’s harmless, but nothing to write home about. Turns out it’s one of the least painful things we’ll see tonight, though.Of course, being that tonight is Simon’s last at the judges’ table, we have to sit through a million cheesy montages of past footage. The first one is a “lowlights” reel. Moving on.Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly sing “How Deep Is Your Love,” and they’re joined by the remaining Bee Gees. Double the fail! Then, Michael Lynche sings “Takin’ It To The Streets” with Michael McDonald and we nearly fall asleep.We wake up when Dane Cook takes the stage to sing a song about Simon’s insults. Sadly, this is one of the best things that happens all night. Hilarious!The top 6 girls sing a medley of Christina Aguilera songs. Really? It’s not as though any of them come even close to Christina’s vocal ability, so why showcase the mediocrity? Thankfully, Christina shows up halfway through. Sadly, though, it seems the suckiness is contagious- she’s not very good either.The top 6 guys sing a Hall & Oates medley, and of course are joined by Hall & Oates. This isn’t even exciting any more because it’s the same thing over and over, just with different artists. Next.Crystal Bowersox performs with Alanis Morissette. We giggle because the judges have spent all season talking about how “original” and “unique” Crystal is, and then they pair her with an artist JUST like her for the finale.Carrie Underwood performs her new single “Undo It.” Her outfit is terrible, but she sounds great, so we can certainly forgive that. One of the few performances all night that isn’t completely torturous to watch.Now comes the part where the top two get “surprised” with new cars. Remember the days when they used to get Mustangs? We thought it was lame when they downgraded to Fusions, but now they get… Fiestas? Wow.Casey James performs “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” with Bret Michaels. Painfully dull, but it’s great to see Bret is doing so well.Lee Dewyze performs with Chicago, there’s another Simon montage to sit through, and the “Pants On The Ground” guy returns, complete with hip hop track and a million backup dancers. Dear God, is it over yet?Paula Abdul returns to Idol to make a speech in Simon’s honor. It’s just a bunch of tacky, obviously scripted one-liners, and the whole thing is REALLY awkward. But it’s followed by a nice performance by 7 of the 8 past winners (sans David Cook) and a bunch of former contestants. Highlight of the night.Janet Jackson joins the top 12 to perform, and then sings a couple songs on her own. She’s wearing spandex to cover up the fact that she has zero energy and is quite possibly lip syncing. We’re falling asleep again.Finally, after a painfully dull season and what has been the worst two-night finale of any show in the history of television, the winner is crowned- and it’s Lee DeWyze!Congratulations, America, on picking the least terrible contestant to take home the title.