The first auditioner we see tonight is Jessica Furney, who we remember from last year. She’s improved and she’s got a new look. The judges like, and so do we. She makes it to Hollywood.

It’s also good news for Amanda Shectman, who does a really creepy Britney impersonation, and then begs the judges to send her to Hollywood when Simon appears to be on the fence. We don’t like her. The judges aren’t totally sold either and tell her she needs to learn to connect with her audience, but they send her to Hollywood anyway.

After a montage of people showing off their stupid human tricks, we meet Lee Dewyze and Crystal Bowersox. Lee is a bit boring, and Crystal is every other hippie chick with a guitar we’ve ever seen, but they both make it to Hollywood.

Next up are some people who’ve auditioned before. Remember suntan girl? She’s back… and she still sucks.

Lacey Brown made the top 50 last year, and was edged out of the top 36 by Megan Joy. Our initial reaction is to wonder why the judges would have picked Megan over ANYONE, but then we hear Lacey sing and we understand. She’s even worse than Megan. Nevertheless, she’s going to Hollywood again.

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Welcome to Denver, the city we first met Chris Daughtry in. This time around, the size of the crowd has doubled. Here’s hoping there’s some talent among them. Unfortunately, Victoria Beckham is back as a guest judge… because she was so useful the first time and everything. It’s going to be a long hour.

Mark Labriola says people tell him all the time that he looks like Jack Black. We think those people should have their eyes examined. Then he tells us that when he was 4, his mother took him against his father’s will and he was “on the run” with her for six years. We don’t care, that’s got nothing to do with music. Surprisingly, though, he’s pretty good… and he has a lot of personality. He makes it to Hollywood.

After a montage of people doing stupid things, we meet Mario Galvan. His laugh kind of makes us want to bomb something. And speaking of bombing things, what’s with the green trench coat? Weird. His voice isn’t QUITE as bad as we expected, but he’s certainly not good enough for this show. It’s a no.

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11,000 people have come to Dallas to give stardom a shot. Neil Patrick Harris is the guest judge for day one. Awkward, but okay.

After auditioning in season one, Julie Kevelighan has returned to try again. We’re not excited, since she was terrible then and we don’t expect anything to have changed. We’re right. And of course she starts singing again after the judges say no. And to top it all off, on the way out the door she says it would have gone better if she had taken a deep breath. Yeah, we’re sure that would have made all the difference.

Lloyd Thomas reminds us of some weird hybrid of Ruben Studdard and Rickey, the “Hercules! Hercules!” guy. We don’t expect much, but he’s actually pretty good. He needs a lot more personality and stage presence, but his voice is good. He makes it to Hollywood.

Next up is Kimberly Carver, and we’re rooting for her right from the start. She’s upbeat and has a lot of personality, and she’s got an awesome voice. Of course, since she doesn’t look like a model, Simon says no and makes a lame excuse about not being excited about her. We expected it. Thankfully the other three judges override him and she makes it to Hollywood, and rightfully so.

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Here we are in LA, where the lucky few who make it to Hollywood will end up anyway. 10,000 people await us in hopes of being one of those lucky few. The guest judge for day one is Avril Lavigne. In case the show wasn’t already turning into enough of a joke, she shows up wearing a hoodie with devil horns on it. Cringe.
 
First up tonight is Neil Goldstein, who shocks us with his announcement that he’s a big geek. Really? Wow, we never would have guessed. (Please note the sarcasm.) This is exactly what we’ve come to expect: Moron shows up to audition. Moron sings badly. Moron disagrees with judges. Moron refuses to leave, then rants when he finally does. They might as well just show the same audition in a loop for the first month of the show.
 
Jim Ranger is a worship pastor who has been married for 7 years and has 3 kids. We’ve heard this story before, but our hopes are high anyway. Turns out we’re not disappointed. He has a very honest, authentic voice and we like him. He reminds us a bit of Bo Bice, in fact. He makes it to Hollywood.

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Here in Orlando, we’re greeted by 10,000 people who all think they’re the next American Idol. We doubt it, but okay. Kristin Chenoweth is tonight’s guest judge. Yay! Someone good, for once!

Theo Glinton shows up with some pieces of mirror and feathers glued to his head, and a sparkly cape. Well, this ought to be good and stupid. Then he tells us he sees himself as a hairdresser in ten years. So why is he here? We don’t get it. He opts to scream instead of singing, then tries to compare himself to Jennifer Hudson. Then after the judges cut him, he proceeds to wander around the room like a moron, trying to find his way out. Really? We’re bored already, ten minutes into the show.

Yet ANOTHER montage of people acting like morons leads to a montage of Kara and Kristin acting like morons. Simon is annoyed, and so are we.

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Chicago is the largest stop on the audition tour so far- 12,000 people await their destiny. Or their 15 seconds of fame, which is much more likely for probably 11,990 of them. Shania Twain is the guest judge for this stop. Well, at least she’s marginally less annoying than the last two.

First up tonight is Katelyn Epperly, who says she’s auditioning because she’s having family problems. Her father recently left her mother, and it’s her mother’s favorite show. Well, it’s probably not the best reason to want a music career, but kudos to her for doing something nice for her mom. Turns out she IS a good singer, though. We like her calm demeanor and the confidence she exudes. She makes it to Hollywood.

A direct quote from Amy Lang: “All I have to do is wait in line for a couple days to get famous.” Boy, is she in for a surprise. First of all, in order to make it on this show, you need to actually be able to sing, which she cannot. Secondly, she’s incredibly, unbelievably annoying. Watching her is kind of like listening to “99 bottles of beer on the wall” while someone accompanies it with nails on a chalkboard. Oh, and let’s not forget she also randomly falls to the floor before “reviving” herself to sing… badly. Come on. Why do they keep letting these morons do this? Next.

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And so we have arrived in Atlanta, where 10,000 more hopefuls await us. Mary J. Blige is tonight’s guest judge. She’s one of our least favorite musicians of all time, so we’re not excited, but maybe we’ll be pleasantly surprised. Guess we’ll see.
 
First at bat is DeJuan Robinson, who says music is in his blood because his uncle discovered Gladys Knight And The Pips. Well, we’ll see. Before he starts singing we can’t decide if we think he’ll be good or bad… but it turns out he’s all kinds of bad. He sings in three or four different voices, and then has to be escorted out by security because he won’t leave. Moving right along.
 
After some nameless guy shrieks like a banshee, we meet Keia Johnson. If her “bright sunny smile” doesn’t light up the judges’ room, her pants sure will. Wow, those are bright. We cringe when she tells us she’ll be singing “My Heart Will Go On,” but she’s actually quite good. She screws up the lyrics once, and she might want to work on her volume and control a bit, but she definitely deserves another shot in Hollywood. The judges agree.

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Before we kick off season 9’s auditions in Boston, a few new things to talk about. Paula Abdul has left the show and will eventually be replaced by Ellen DeGeneres later in the season. For the auditions, we’ve got a series of guest judges. Tonight’s is Victoria Beckham. 9,000 people have auditioned here in Boston. Joy.
 
Janet McNamara starts the season by telling us she’s only been singing WELL for two years. So how did she sing before? It all becomes clear when she elaborates and tells us she’s auditioning because the American Idol video game tells her she’s amazing. Oh boy. Well, at least it’s a new approach. Turns out she’s actually terrible, so she must have found a cheat code for the game. Points for confusing Kara for Paula, too. It’s a no for Janet.
 
Maddie Curtis has been watching since she was 8, which makes us feel really old. She has several siblings with Down’s syndrome, which is a nice story but really has nothing to do with singing. But it turns out she’s really pretty good. She needs a bit more performance and stage presence, but with a little work on those things she’d have a lot of potential. We’ll be seeing her in Hollywood.

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So it’s come down to this- tonight we crown our newest American Idol, and it’ll be either Adam Lambert or Kris Allen. 100 million votes came in last night, making the season’s total 624 million.
 
We start the show with some stupid montages. First there’s a stupid montage of Randy saying “for me for you.” Then there’s a stupid montage of Kara calling everyone “sweetie” and “honey.” Follow that up with a stupid montage of Paula using big words she doesn’t understand and can’t pronounce. And finally, a stupid montage of Simon having no idea what’s going on around him.
 
Once again this year, we have some former Idols in the contestants’ hometowns. Mikalah Gordon is in Conway, Arkansas with Kris’s crowd, and Carly Smithson is representing Adam Lambert in San Diego, California.
 
The first performance of the night is from the top 13 singing “So What.” Why do so many of these types of shows insist upon butchering Pink songs lately? This is slightly less cheesy than we expected, but not by much.

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Hard to believe it’s already finale week, but here we are. Tomorrow night, we’ll find out whether Adam Lambert or Kris Allen is our new American Idol.
 
Last week, Kris won the coin toss, and he chose to go second. That means Adam kicks off the show tonight. There are three rounds this week- the contestants’ favorite song of the season, a choice by Simon Fuller, and the evil coronation song cowritten by Kara DioGuardi.
 
The first round is the contestants’ favorite from the season, and Adam chooses to perform “Mad World” again. We’re excited, since this was one of his biggest standouts of the season. The best part about this is that he performs it differently- he doesn’t just repeat the same exact performance, and that’s a very good thing. And besides that, he sounds great. Our rating: 10/10

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